♥þγиΚ♥

At times I feel like I’m losing myself. Maybe it should be in past tense. I’ve lost “me”. Or the essence of who I am. I still look like myself, but inside, I think who I am has withered into nothingness. Like, shit, who’s this girl pretending to be me? My idiotic mind is like a constant blank. Sigh.

* * *

She gazed at her doll, when thoughts run in her head. It’s her favourite one, Valerie, the one with silky black hair which has been by her side for almost 5 years. She held it when she cried for the loss of her cat, she hugged it whenever nothing in the world appealed to her anymore. She was attached to it emotionally, since it was her only anchor. She never really had any real friends, always a loner since she was a child. She preferred her own company, she grew accustomed to solitary. She’d rather be alone than be emotionally vulnerable to others.

A few months back, she would have never even think of getting a new doll, of throwing Valerie away. But recently, a voice has been whispering in her mind, harbouring secret thoughts.

It’s something she had deprived herself of, since the day she made a decision to lock her heart behind closed doors. The risks, uncertainties and the twisted sense of satisfaction that could only be found when experiencing a whole new process of emotions.

Should she or should she not?

Reluctance held her back. She fears the uncertainty, yet has an unexplainable crave for it. It is the fear of losing something perfect, and the fear of plunging into a sea of unknown. What if she discovers that it is not what she wanted after all, that she had thrown away the most precious thing in her life because she wanted to have a taste of the unknown?

Another dream post again. ^^,

I saw her in front of my door. She looked tinier, and fluffier than usual.

I was ecstatic you know, cos I thought she came back. When something you thought you’ve lost forever suddenly appeared right in front of your eyes, the joy was overwhelming, undescribable.

I kept on repeating that sentence in disbelief. She’s back. She’s back. I stroked her over and over again. 

My dad was beside me, and he said in a sad tone:

“She’s gone already you know.”

And then I was shocked.

“You can’t see her?”

He shook his head slowly.

I looked down at her, and tears poured out of my eyes. It’s like waving her favourite barbie in front of a kid, but telling her she can’t have it anymore.

Damn it man. She looked so cute. So freaking cute. I wished I hugged her before realisation kicked in.

I miss her, still.

Blogging from college. Since I’ve got some time to kill.

When people talk about you, and you know they’re talking about you, sometimes you’d wonder what the hell are they talking about. What the hell are they laughing about. Yup. There were 3 idiots in physics class. And then, when the last class ended, when I was walking down the freaking stairs, 2 of the idiots were nudging and pssting and all to another 2. Like the hell. It was so freaking obvious la stupid. When I walk pass, their eyes roamed up and down. Urgh.

I dont care if people want to talk about me. Freedom of speech ma right? Whatever la. As long as you don’t do it in front of me.

YOU HEAR THAT?

* * *

Yala yala.

Lately, my posts seem to be very er.. negative.

I’m stressed la. So it’s better to just leave me alone.

It’s true. I found a statement quite true but I wont tell you what statement it is, cos I saw it on someone else’s blog and I don’t want to disclose whose blog I reads. HAHAHA.

So what’s the point of the whole sentence above? I don’t know. I just feel like typing it out la. Don’t let ar?

Anyway, sometimes I just feel like escaping from reality. Like the time when I went to Turkey for a week RIGHT BEFORE my semester exams. That was bliss. None of my troubles was on my mind. NONE. I could just lie on the grass there and look up at the sky with absolutely nothing in my mind.

Here, you want to lie in the middle of the padang? Heck, people would think you’re another lunatic that runs around the neighbourhood. Oh yea, another reason would be because no one knows me in Turkey.

Sigh.

I seriously crave for another runaway right now. I wanna runaway runaway! At some point, I even think I couldn’t stand it anymore. All the bloody tied-downs.

Urgh.

Juno was quite an inspiring movie for me even though I’ve only watched it halfway. Inspiring not because she got pregnant at 16, but inspiring cos she has got her own style of living, she doesn’t give a DAMN about what people think. Man, I think I gotta learn from her, of course not the getting pregnant part, but you know, the way she looks at things.

Haihya, Whatever la. I have no idea what am I ranting about anyway.

Santa said I’m greedy, always wants everything. Well, he does have a point. Like right now, there’s my studies, the play and work. It’s too hectic for me to have all 3, but I want ALL. I want ALL. I mean, I wanna score for my AS, I wanna do well in the play and I wanna work since I haven’t got ANY working experience and I’m like already 18. I want ALL la. But that’d mean MAJOR STRESS, and a helluva possibility that I’d fail all 3. That’s why I dropped work lo. FIne lo, since I can’t have em all, I drop the drop the least important one.

I mean, of course I’d be greedy. Come on. When there’s nothing in line for me, there’s absolutely nothing. When things come, they come all at once. So how you tell me? How?

Take dancing for instance, back in form4 and 5, I had several opportunities to perform onstage. I took some, but I was forced to let go of some, cos of the bloody SPM which seems miniscule now compared to A levels. My mom said to concentrate on SPM first, and I’d still have lenty of opportunities in the future. But now that I’ve graduated from high school, the opportunities are all gone. I mean, there are la. But I’ve got no crew.

And now, I’m involved in another different kind of performing, a play. I’m seriously grateful that my mom didnt ask me to drop the play, since it’s like right in the middle of my trials and my AS and all. I think she understood that it’s hard to get another opportunity like this. Haha. Thank goodness. But I SERIOUSLY hope she doesn’t start to nag when I have to practice everyday. Cos I need support, not nagging. Lol. I wish parents would understand that, sometimes.

So, of course I’d want to grab at every opportunity. Duh. So, I think my greed is justified. HAHAHA.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve ranted so much. Ah well. Adios.