Day 5 (Internal thoughts)

Not a happy story. It’s just me writing down my internal thought process, which ended up to be a long (1000-words) rant.

* * *

When I worked in a hospital in UK, I loved what I do there. There was a sense of satisfaction after I have counselled patients on their medication and when they get it, when they understood, when their eyes showed gratitude, I felt very accomplished. It made me felt like I have made a difference to someone’s life. Or there were also instances when I spotted mistakes that a junior doctor had done, or perhaps I suggested another better option for the patient (in terms of their medication). It’s about helping the patients feel better, aiding their transition to recovery that made me passionate about what I do.

After talking to some people, I guess one thing I failed to take into consideration was the fact that the systems, the culture, the work ethics differs with each country. People in the UK are definitely more polite, but I have heard examples of how patients in S country scold their doctors etc. Yes those were stories. Stories are true to a certain extent, but the other side of the story I haven’t heard was how the doctors work in said country. There’s always two sides of a story and perhaps other factors could influence/contribute to why patients would scold their doctors. Maybe it’s the working attitude? If I were to work there with a better working attitude, I would still get a chance to feel the job satisfaction I got in UK?

But is job satisfaction enough? Where would I wanna go from there?

What are my long term goals? To have financial independence and security.

What does financial independence mean to me? Easy, it means I’m basically supporting myself on everything, all the expenses: living costs, accommodation and bills, insurance, car, house etc.

What does financial security mean to me? Having emergency cash stashed elsewhere, meaning that if I lose my job, I’d still be able to self-sustain for minimum of 6 months. Having a constant income (whether active or passive) that will be able to sustain my monthly expenses. Having the means to live a comfortable life.

How do I wanna achieve this long term goal? Now, that is the question.

Some advice I have gotten is that I should focus on improving myself, improving my self-worth. I get told that I’m still young, and I still have the time to experiment and dabble in different fields. And when I improve myself, increase my experience, then I would be able to get higher-paying jobs etc. In some ways, I do agree with them. I should definitely obtain more experience and improve myself, because quite frankly, I feel incompetent most of the time. I feel like there are so much more that I need to improve on. My dad even told me, I have 5 years to experiment, to try out different jobs in different fields so that I could discover what I really want to do.

But the thing is, I don’t feel like I’m young anymore. I’m 24. I don’t want to ‘realise’ that I truly want to be in ‘this-that’ field when I hit 30! That is too late! I only have 5 more years til I’m 30, the clock is ticking.

My dad also encouraged me to try out sales/marketing, because he knew that I’m definitely not someone that would be satisfied with a 9-5 deskjob, just hiding in the office, handling paperwork. My first instinct was no, I don’t want to do sales. And he asked me why. So I gave it a thought.

First reason, my pride, to be completely and utterly honest. I’m a pharmacist. I studied 4 years of pharmacy, and 1 year of interning to get to where I am right now. (But honestly, where am I right now hahaha. Still unemployed. -.-) I’ll probably be offending a lot of people with what I said, but yeah that was my own personal pride, it doesn’t mean I’m looking down on people doing sales. Some of them are probably more successful than pharmacists these days. But honestly though, when I thought it through, my biggest downfall (or should I say disadvantage) right now, is my poor interpersonal skills. I know fully well that interpersonal skills is very very very important no matter what you do in life, and to be honest, the quickest way to improve my interpersonal skills is by doing sales.

Second reason, I feel like I would be betraying what I stand for. I’m all for pharmacists’ to have dispensing rights in our country. Doing sales would mean that I’m selling branded medicines to doctors, so in a way aren’t I contributing more into doctors prescribing AND dispensing in their own clinics? Yes I understand that sales cover other pharmacies and hospitals as well, not just clinics, but when you’re doing sales, you are assigned an area to cover, and you can’t say that NOPE I am NOT going to sell medicines to clinics. That’s basically shooting myself in the foot.

So what do I want to do?

I do not have any job offers currently, because I’m still in the application process, but seriously having an idea/direction would definitely make my life easier now. So right now I’m definitely open to a lot more other options that I wouldn’t have considered, because when I limit myself like I used to, then I am basically caging my potential to grow.

But that is it, isn’t it? If life is easy, then I wold just be complacent with everything and be mediocre. I don’t want to be mediocre. I want to … be passionate about what I do AND achieve my long term goal at the same time.

I was asked a question today, what skills would I WANT to learn? I answered with something I NEED to learn instead. But it did spark a deeper soul-searching mode.

Throughout my life, most of the things that interested me and brought me joy, have been more … creative-arts-related? Dance, photography, writing. Dance, was so long ago, that I felt it shouldn’t even be considered, but it did brought me joy once. Photography and writing, I am not good enough yet. I know, I understand that these things are very subjective and loads of practice are needed. That’s why I started the 1000-words challenge, to improve my writing. But will I ever be good enough in these areas to get me to my long term goal?

Think, Ping, think. What do you want?


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