每逢佳节倍思亲

This morning I had to wake up early to go to lab for my final year project. As I was making my way there, the strong winds were blowing, it drizzled the way it always drizzles in uk, light but persistent, and it was 3 degrees celcius. My morale was blown away by the wind and rain, and with every step I took, there was a negative voice in my head discouraging me.

“It’s so cold and wet, what are you doing out here when everyone else are still in bed?”

I couldn’t fight the wind, the rain and the voice. And so my spirits took a plunge into the blackhole in me. I fought back tears, homesickness and the evil voice, so I plunged on, while every step became heavier as the weight of negativity pulls back on me.

And then I saw this.

ImageA rainbow. Amongst the dark grey clouds.

I’m not sure if it’s because I haven’t seen a rainbow in ages, or rainbows are symbolic of “good/happy” things, but I felt the weight lifted from my shoulders. The sight of the rainbow pulled me out of the blackhole, and gave me strength. I felt nothing of the negativity that was just there seconds ago, my spirits took a 180degrees turn and from then on, I wasn’t dragging my feet anymore.

I marveled at the beauty of the rainbow, although it was faint, but that was all I needed to see at that time. Something positive to make me believe in myself again.

I know I have probably been the biggest atheist ever, but at that moment, my stand wavered. Haha what are the odds right. Me, a firm believer of the non-existent of a higher being, suddenly I wasn’t so sure anymore. :) I’m not saying I believe in the existence of a higher being 100% now, but at least I am also not 100% sure of the non-existence of a higher being. LOL. (clarrification: whatever religion it is ok. not just a specific one.)

* * *

I really longed to spend CNY at home. 4 years is too long. :(

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Stress.

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Stress begins to take its toll on my skin. There’s only 8 more weeks to my project presentation, approx. 13 more weeks til I hand in my project, and 17 more weeks to exams.

:(

And then graduation. I always think that ahh I won’t really feel lost when graduation looms so close, but maybe I’m starting to feel some apprehension about growing up and being responsible and making enough to support myself and my parents.

My mom told me the other day, that my dad plans to retire in 2015. I am happy to hear that, because frankly, after so many years of working and slaving himself to support us, he deserves it. He deserves to just stop and start enjoying life, because we (the kids) are adults now (ok maybe not yet for my brother, but in 2015 he will be lol).

On the other hand, I start to feel a little bit pressured. Being the eldest in the family, the responsibility of providing for the family naturally falls onto my shoulders. I know clearly that my parents don’t really need my financial support (they are really good planners and have their retirement plans all sorted out I think), but the responsibility is still there. It’s invisible, my parents never put any pressure on me to be honest, but I know I need to at least provide some financial support when I start work.

:/

Well at least I have the next two to three years planned out. And if everything goes according to plan, *fingers crossed* all shall be well (for the time-being).

Welcoming 2013 with open arms.

2012 is coming to an end. And I’m pretty contented with everything at the moment.

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The start of the year was just normal, when the clock strike 12, we just wish each other happy new year and continue doing out own things. Or at least that’s what I remembered lol.

Image*January: Our own “yee sang” or “lou sang” for CNY.

Image*February: Trip to London, visited Borough Market and Portobello Street and got my own TLR! :D

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March: Msian Night.

Lots of good things happened in 2012, I went to Spain twice in 3 months. Once in April to meet up with my family, and once in June for a week in Costa Brava. I took part in some performances for Msian Soc’s Msian Night, I danced, modelled, and tree-d :P.

Image*April: With family in Barcelona.

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*May: Study. Exams. Revision.

Image*June: Nachos and ice lemon tea in Costa Brava. Nothing can beat that.

I worked during the summer in a pharmacy, and got an offer for intern after I graduate, and stayed with the loveliest landlady ever, who works in the local hospital as a nurse. And I fell in love with cats in that 8-weeks that I was there!

Image*July: Fell in love with ze catz.

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*August: Trip to HK. Awesome food and get to know his home.

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*September: HOME!!

I went to HK for a week in Aug before going back home, and then he came over to Msia for a week. It was good spending time with my family, shopping with my mom. Then I had to flew back to Uk in a short notice because I got an interview for internship in hospital, which I nailed!! I was so happy when the interviewer called me to tell me the good news, and I cried after that because everything was worth it in the end, the expensive plane tickets, the limited time I get to spend at home, it was all worth it.

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*October: Halloween party!

Image*November: Had a dramatic haircut and went out a lot with friends.

Image*December: Pharmacy Christmas Ball. Had to attend it because it’s my final year!!

There are of course the bad lessons in the year. I found out that I failed an exam on the day before my birthday. So of course, I practically cried my eyeballs out. The hardest thing was to tell my parents that, and although they were really supportive, it still felt like I was disappointing them in a way. And what’s not supportive is my lecturer, whom I emailed many times so that I can see her to have a look at my paper, because I wanna know what went wrong so I can learn and avoid that in the re-sit. But she was really unsupportive geez, in the end I didn’t even get to meet her before the re-sit.

And it’s really important to choose flatmates wisely. And I’ll just end it at that because this will be on the world wide web.

* * *

What I want for 2013 is to graduate successfully (with a first class, if possible), and settle into my internship nicely at the end of July.

No hopes of celebrating CNY at home yet for 2013, that’ll have to wait til 2014 I guess. :(

I sort of have the next 2-3 years planned out nicely, so I will be working towards those goals and I wish to have the strength to overcome the obstacles that will definitely come my way, trust me, they are going to be huge obstacles.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2013! Wish everyone all the happiness in the world and be strong enough to tackle everyday obstacles! :)

Anti-climatic

I bet some poeple out there had went out and bought “apocalypse survival kits” and stocked up on their food supplies and camped in their basement, in light of all the rumours of the world coming to an end today. There’s so many theories out there, about the sun moon earth lining in a straight line or something, about the earth’s poles reversing. There’s also plenty of 9gag jokes out there about this supposedly last day of the world.

Well, it is super sunny today, with absolutely no hints of meteors or zombies or tsunami. :)

BUT. Personally I think the world is going downhill. I mean look at the increasing numbers of natural disasters all over the world. Earthquakes in Japan and China, storms in US, it feels like the whole system is tipping over the edge. And then there’s the human greed. War. Fighting over an island. To me, the world is not just going to end in one day. It is a cumulative and slow progressive stage.

But who knows, maybe humans could survive the greed and the natural disasters.

* * *

Life is good. He is here with me for Christmas, and we are having a secret santa and christmas dinner with friends. We’ve been spending time together, going to London for the Winter Wonderland, lots of movie sessions, or just plain hang out in the town. Ahh how much I dislike LDR. There’s just a week or so left until he leaves, and then it’ll be another month or two before we can see each other.

Image*Winter Wonderland, 17/12/12

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But I guess it’s better this way, because we tend to procrastinate a lot when we are together. And seeing that this year both of us are so busy with assignments/exams/dissertation, it’s good we have our own space to get our work done.

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Image21/12/12 Winter Solstice, so we made tong yuen today. :)

My grandma always make it and there would be pink and green ones. Ah now we are making it ourselves, at least the tradition does not die down in our generation. Personally, I think our culture is important because if we don’t have these cultures, then what would we be? I want to be able to tell my children the stories behind winter solstice and autumn festival and CNY and 端午节 when they grow up. I want to teach them how to make tong yuen and dumplings and lanterns in the future. Because that’s what part of my childhood comprises of.

And bedtime stories of journey to the west. I remembered how much my brother and I loved to listen to my dad telling us those stories before we go take afternoon naps. We would always always beg for more. :)

16th.

I spent around half an hour packing my things, the luggage is half-filled now and the room half-empty. It amazes me how quickly I could pack my things this time, and two days later, it’ll be like I’ve never even set foot into this house, the only thing betraying me would be the porcelain cat that I plan to give to my landlady.

This moving business has made me feel like a nomad, recently. Relocating to places because of a need. Settling down for a short period of time, and then, all of a sudden the timer screeches to an end, and off I go to another place.

I’m just missing home terribly, at this very moment. I miss the warmth and comfort that has always been where my family is, no matter which house we stay in. The invisible security that envelopes me whenever I step into the house.

:(

no more indifference for me.

Sometimes I believe that our voices ought to be heard.

No matter what it is that you choose to believe in, I sincerely believe that voicing out your opinions will always be better than sitting around complaining about things and not doing anything about it.

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So yes, I am talking about Bersih 3.0 today. I know that there are lots of different opinions out there, be it opposing or supporting, or even plain indifference, but this is my opinion.

I decided last minute that yes I should do something, so I booked my train tickets yesterday and today I was in London with some of my friends for the rally. While we were in the train, we were keeping ourselves up-to-date with what is happening in Malaysia, especially in KL.

Truth be told, I am disappointed (and in some cases, sad) in the way some of the ‘extremist’ behaved. It was supposed to be a peaceful rally, despite not getting approval for the venue and stuff, but there will always be some ‘extremist’ that will ruin the true intentions of the rally.

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But I believe it is all down to our personal choice when we are faced with these situations. The rally in London was seriously a peaceful one, we gathered outside the Malaysian High Commission, demonstrated our intentions with 5 or so police officers there to ensure everyone’s safety (a few hundreds of us, I would say) and then we walked all the way to the Parliament, and proceeded to demonstrate there.

Everyone was genuinely calm and just shouting for ‘fair and clean elections’ and some other phrases along the line. But there will always be some ‘extremist’ everywhere we go. I noticed there was this middle-aged uncle that was trying to get us to follow his lead and shout some political phrases that are NOT related to the intentions of Bersih at all, and he seemed to be really emotional (flustered face and slightly aggressive tone). Like I said, it all depends on our individual choices. We ignored his attempts (several times too) and the rally stayed true to its intentions.

What I am saying is, it is all down to us. The choices we make. I know there are many videos and pictures out there that seem to put bad light onto different parties (demonstrators, police etc), but I think it is important to remember that these are individual choices, it is their call whether to do the things they did. So it would seem unfair to simply generalise things and allow a small percentage of ‘extremist’ to contaminate the true intentions of the majority.

By saying this, I don’t just mean the demonstrators. :) Everyone makes their own choices.

There may be many rumours out there about who started what and who did what, but I sincerely wish that everyone in the KL rally stay safe (despite the tear gas and car accidents and stuff), because we are all Malaysians afterall.

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PS: Today is the first time in my entire life of singing our national anthem in a foreign country. You know during high school times we all just pretend and lip-synch to the anthem because we think it is uncool to sing it out? Singing it today, surrounded by Malaysians I do not know but we are united for the same concern for our country’s future, it brought out emotions in me, I was genuinely proud to be a Malaysian, and I realised that hey I can’t remain indifferent to the future of my country anymore.

PS2: When I told my parents last night about joining the rally, I expected them to disagree and ask me not to join it. But what they really did was say ‘Ok. Stay safe.’ and that made me realise that hey they are acknowledging the fact that I am an adult now and I am capable of making my own choices. That was quite a turning point for me, and somehow in a weird way, I felt more like a grown-up now. :)