Live what you love V2.0

A year ago, I celebrated the new year’s with a bunch of friends that meant something to me. I was in the company of friends that I care about, just a selected few. And we spent the night counting down to some fireworks, and then chilling at a friend’s place where we had some alcohol and just enjoyed each other’s company.

Now, a year later (almost!), most of us are all over the world. Some back home, some volunteering at a foreign developing country and some remained here in the UK. It’s funny how fast things can change in merely one year.

A year ago, I wrote this post.

2013 had been kind to me. It was a fulfilling year, tough nonetheless. I still managed to travel (to Copenhagen in January, to Scotland and around UK with my family in July), I managed to complete my degree (a little shy of a first, but hey I think I didn’t deserve a first since I didn’t work hard for it) and I started working as a training pharmacist in a small hospital.

Because of work, I’ve relocated once again, even though it wasn’t far from where I did my degree, but still it feels like a whole new environment altogether. The island is quite ‘ulu’, and I have to depend on public transport like buses quite alot if I want to get out of the small town that I currently live in (in the middle of the island). Nonetheless, I still got out of my comfort zone, and had to try to fit in again, which is still work in progress even though I’ve been here for almost 5 months. :P

Since I started work, I’ve been through ups and downs. I’ve been trying to figure out what I want in life, something I didn’t have to do when I was still doing my degree (translation: no responsibilities = no plans haha). I’ve spent time contemplating what I want to achieve in life, what meaning is there to life if I don’t have a purpose.

I’ve spent some nights and days feeling depressed and lonely, mainly because I’ve relocated to this island where I don’t know anyone and I have no friends (except my flatmate and colleagues). I knew clearly that if I am in trouble in the middle of the night, the person I could call (that is nearest to me) is a ferry and a bus ride away. -.- And that scared me. Truly. Knowing that I am alone and can only only depend on myself.

photo 2

But in the middle of all that, in the midst of figuring out what I want to do with my life, I decided to start on the little things. I wanted to experience more in life, I wanted to do more than just work. So I jumped into an opportunity that presented itself to me (fundraising for cancer). It gave me purpose and motivation, and I felt so much better ever since I started it.

There are still some emotional aspects within me that needs sorting out. At first, it really bothered me, to the extent that I found it difficult to fall asleep at night. But then, I figured that there’s really nothing I can do about it at the moment. It just needs time. Even my mom said, “time will sort things out”. So that part of me is still KIV.

photo 1

For 2014, I want to be a better version of myself.

I want to truly truly be comfortable by myself, be comfortable to be alone and just be in my own company. I want to learn to truly love myself, to accept every inch of myself, inside and out.

I want to improve myself in so many aspects, to grow into who I want to be (if that make sense haha).

I want to improve my communication skills, to learn how to be a pseudo-extrovert when need be, without neglecting my introversion. I know that my true nature is an introvert, and that I draw strength from within instead of from other people. But I want to learn how to start conversations with strangers, and to connect with people without taking such a long time.

I want to travel. I still want to travel. And I will make time to travel.

photo 3

In 2014, I vow to be more emotionally-balanced, and I will grow and mature into the person I want to be.

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happiness

Happiness is when you are sitted on a table with your close friends, by the veranda in a restaurant overlooking the sea.

The sun is setting, staining the bright blue sky with streaks of yellow, orange and purple. There is a faint breeze, and the sun shines onto you and your friends and the table. The setting sun glares at your eyes, making it hard to see the fine details, because everything you see is washed with a golden hue, including your friends.

Tapas dishes lay on the table, emptied by you and your friends. Your fingers laced around the neck of a glass, half-filled with refreshing sangria. Half of it has already travelled from your digestive systems to your head, making you light-headed and giddy. It makes you look at your friends differently, it makes you marvel at the glorious sunset, it makes you laugh at everything and anything, because you understood that this is a precious moment. It makes you appreciate the fact that you are there, now, with your close friends, and it makes your heart filled with so much love and happiness that you just don’t want the moment to come to an end.

Because you know, deep down, that this moment may not happen again, at least not when everything seems so perfect.

Perfect. That’s the word. The right word that could accurately describe that moment.

Sometimes I feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above the waters.
Working in the hospital has allowed me to experience the inevitable. All these while I live in my own bubble, death has always been at a safe distance from me. But now, I’m facing old age and sickness and death everyday.
It scares me. It made me realise that life is truly truly fragile, and that you would never know what might happen at any given time.

individuality

I think I’m starting to understand what it takes.

Long distance relationships are maintained because you love the person, and you must be able to live a life without the presence of that person.

But that is the whole point of normal relationships too. Even though we’re in a relationship, we are still two different individuals that have our own personalities and independence. Many people forget that, because of how close we can be. In normal relationships, we get to see each other as often as we want to, and that indirectly creates the illusion that being in a relationship means we can’t live without them. But that’s not true, because the scale has to be balanced (two equal individuals on the scale). If there is over-dependence/lack of individuality, then the balance is skewed.

I’m not saying it’s not tough, trust me it is, and it does require more communication and effort, but at least now I have a clearer picture? I guess? Hahaha.

oh man.

I can’t sleep. My brain is too occupied with questions.

What do I want to achieve in life? What is my passion? How do you know what you want to do?
These questions plagued me since graduation 2 months ago, and I have yet to find answers for them.

It’s so scary, everyday I’m learning that I don’t know a lot of things, everyday I’m learning new skills. To think that I have spent four years in university, I’d have thought I’d know more than that.

But the thing is, I don’t. Yes, I accept that though, but the thought is daunting.. What about all the other things I don’t know about, like politics, economics, sociology, psychology … I finally realise that there is a lot more to learn, in fact there is the entire world to learn (and that’s not including astronomy!). I feel so incompetent when I think about this, because I realise what I know doesn’t even constitute for 0.1% of the things in this world!

And I realise the importance of surrounding myself with like-minded people. My flatmate is the chill type, when she gets back from work, she goes online, watches some drama and calls it a night.. Sometimes I get affected by her chill-ness and I join her for a few episodes of drama. But when I’m writing evidences up for my training, or doing some CPDs (continuing professional development), I often feel like I’m struggling alone. I don’t feel like I can talk to her about what worries me because I’m afraid she won’t understand because of our different attitudes towards life.

I’m not sure if you can tell from this post, but I’m scared about adulthood. I’m anxious because I’m not sure I have a definite goal that I’m working towards, and it’s time I take responsibilities over my own life.

Midnight musings.

I have no idea where to start.

I havent been writing for quite awhile now, and I’m starting to find it foreign to translate my thoughts into words.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve been reading Murakami for the past few days. His way of writing, his stories, are kinda vague, and you’d have to interpret them by yourself. In Sputnik Sweetheart, he talked about loneliness and that kinda struck a chord within me. I find this book much more relatable than Kafka on the Shore.

Or maybe it’s because I have so much time in my hands right now, that i’m contemplating about what I’ve achieved as a person in my 23 years of living, and what I want to achieve in the next 5, 10, 20 years.

I’ve always been a mediocre person, with strong views sometimes about my own course of living, but generally I’d say I’m not very ambitious. I just want to lead a comfortable life, with a family of my own and good income. Compared to some people, I’d just say I have very mediocre plans. I don’t dream big, not anymore. At least not like how I used to be, because I’ve never worked hard at things I felt passionate about, like dancing and performing, photography, writing.

I’m not so sure about myself anymore. I’m turning 23 this Sunday, which means I have only 7 years left to fully lay the foundation for the rest of my life. Thinking about this makes me so nervous sometimes, and yes there are times when I’d think ‘geez this is so tough I just want someone to take care of me’.

But no. I know fully well how much I’d detest myself if I didn’t build my own future, I know I’ll definitely look down on myself if I just depended on someone else for the rest of my life.

See, that’s the problem. I know very well what I don’t want, but I’m not so sure on what I want for the future.

Maybe.

I’ve been thinking and thinking, before I sleep and after I woke up. The only thing I can do now is to improve myself and improve my knowledge on politics. Only then, I can do things that can directly influence the change that I hope to see.

化悲憤為力量。

So yes, thank you for instilling the determination in me.