Fear. It is intangible.

Since I’ve came back, I have been feeling afraid. There are so many things I need to get used to. There are so many things I do not know, and a major part of it is the fact that driving plays such a huge part in this country. I am foreign to a lot of roads and expressways outside of where I live, which is partly due to the fact that I used to be so restricted (protected) by parents and the fact that I have lived 5 years of my life abroad. I feel very dependent, and I feel very afraid of getting lost, of getting into car accidents, of constantly having to rely on other people to go somewhere.

Another major fear that i have is the fact that there are so much uncertainties in my future. I do not know where i’m going from here onwards. I have a rough plan, a rough idea, but uncertainties do cloud my judgement at the moment. I know what I have to do, and I will definitely be doing something about this.

I know fully well that this is a passing phase, that I will feel better when things are sorted, or when I have a better sense of direction. I just need to rant, and remind myself to never give up, to never give in to my fears. Because I know I can do better, I know I will have a direction, I know what I am worth, I know that I am who I am, I know that this is merely a passing phase that i will stumble through and come out stronger. I know that I have the mental strength to deal with this. I know what my priorities are, I just need to keep a clear head and not let my emotions get the better of me.

Yes, my life have changed, and I know I will go through this because it was my choice in the first place. Fear is intangible and I will not let it control my life.

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i dont know what am i doing.

Well I’m sick of this town, this blind man’s forage
They take your dreams down and stick them in storage
You can have them back son when you’ve paid off your mortgage and loans
Oh hell with this place, I’ll go it my own way
I’ll stick out my thumb and I trudge down the highway
Someday someone must be going my way home

* * *

Especially during times like this, solitude seems to fill every inch of my living space.

It’s a cold winter night, and I’m searching for random youtube videos to watch, just to distract myself from the loneliness of having dinner alone.

I’m tired. This solitude is exhausting me. I’ve tried escaping from the island during the weekends, to be in the presence/company of good friends. These weekends are often filled with comfort and happiness, to the point that it contrasts greatly with the weekdays. It’s sufficient to make me have withdrawal symptoms, and all I think about is the next weekend when I won’t be alone.

ARGH.

It’s so hard to fill my mind with positivity. I often tell myself:

It’s alright.

It’ll be alright, soon.

This will make you stronger, this will shape you for the future.

You will survive this.

You are strong you are strong you are strong.

But in reality, I don’t feel strong at all.

This has made me realise the importance of having a good support system, be it family or friends. Bring surrounded by people that you care about and they care for you, will really make a huge difference on someone’s mental health.

I’ve never felt so alone, so isolated on an island in my entire life.

:(

If you are thinking about how advance the technology is right now, and how we can just connect to people with a flick of our fingers, then stop.

It’s different. Talking to someone on skype/whatsapp/facebook/wechat/viber (I can name a million social network/chatting apps) is different from having face-to-face conversations. After work, I just feel so tired and all I want is to go home. Home. Not just some place I’m renting for the time being. I want to be able to feel comfortable in my own home, to talk or rant with a real-life person that can listen and respond, or even just sit comfortably in silence without feeling awkward and having the urge to talk to fill the silence. I want to be able to cook comfortably, without all the mess and dirty sink and used plates all over the place. I want a hug and an understanding smile when I am feeling down.

Sometimes I feel like I’m such a weak Gen-Y. FTS.

 

shrouded in grey fumes.

this type of weather reminds me of why i didnt want to stay in this country. grey skies, blasts of cold wind in your face, drizzles that lasts forever and it’s just wet wherever you go. what happened to the beautiful days of summer. :( but if i go back to asia, the pharmacist back in asia basically just stays in the dispensary. i dont want that :(

i just hate long distance with all my freaking heart. period. it tests me/us in every freaking way. did i mention that the 7-hour (soon-to-be 8hours because of daylight saving) time difference is really really not helping. can anyone define relationship to me? what is a relationship when we dont talk, we dont know what is going on in each other’s lives (i dont even know what exactly does he dosince he started his new job last week, i dont know what company)? it’s not like we dont want to, but when i sleep he goes to work, when i wake up he’s working, when i finish work, he’s sleeping.

shit.

and living on this island isnt helping either.

and today after work i just wanted to get home as quickly as possible, because 1. we planned to talk since we didnt talk for 2weeks now, and 2. the weather is just really cold and crappy amd wet that i just want to go home. then i waited for the bus for so long and it didnt come. then i decided to walk home (it takes me 25-30mins to walk back). 5mins after i left the bus station, 3 buses zoomed past me one after the other. *facepalm

then when i got home, i went to shower cos my feet was cold and wet (really need to get water-proofed work shoes!). but by the time i got out, he had already fallen asleep. :( it’s not his fault, because i’m the one that came back late and stuff (it was already 1.20am at his place) and of course he’s tired from work too. but its just.. :(

i guess today is just not my day. i should just cook dinner and curl up in my bed and listen to the sounds of the rain and light music and just wither and crumble into nothingness.

maybe i suppress my feelings too much. because i seem to really like the feeling of light-headedness and dont-give-a-damn that comes when i drink alcohol.

or maybe its really just not my day today. i guess.

Quit hating please.

The stupid thing about homophobics are that once they know someone around them is a gay/lesbian, they automatically think that that person likes/is going to like them.

Seriously??

1. That is incredibly 自恋/perasan of you to think that all gay/lesbian you know will definitely like you. It’s not like every opposite sex that you meet will like you, so why do you assume they will like you too? They have their own standards/types/cup-of-tea and there’s a high chance you’re not their type.

2. They’re probably not straight before they let you know about it. So if they didn’t show signs of liking you before that, it probably means that they are not going to like you after they’ve let you know la.

Geez. I freaking can’t stand the narrow-minded-ness of homophobics.